The End

Bye bye paychecks, hello destiny

One month from today I will become a retiree. Minutes after giving notice of my intention I took a sobering look at my savings, immediately followed by a series of deep breaths. Three years from now I will be trained to practice Classical Chinese Medicine and Acupuncture, and will be preparing for Licensure in the state of North Carolina at age 67. Time will tell whether I worked too hard, waited too long, sacrificed too much - during my working life. Time will judge whether I aim too high, and cruise for a bruising today.

My brain feels like it’s about to explode with information being crammed into the old crags. Thirty-five years of studying the I Ching, receiving acupuncture, and dabbling in healing traditions did not prepare me for this total mind assault. A couple of weeks ago it was a well-informed leap of faith. Now, as I use my Body Mind as an instrument to learn the classical arts - I step into this goal like submitting to a destiny. I will make it or die trying.

We do not have time stamps and expiration dates. Nature does not give us the information we need to plan our lives. A man (husband, father) I knew who had MS told me once that all he wanted from medical sciences was to know if it was safe to buy that historical fixer upper his wife yearned for, or if it made sense to pursue the degree he had put off during his last flare. He wasn’t expecting more time so much as resolution of some of the unknowns.

I have wanted badly to learn acupuncture since the early 1990s. When, in 2002, I discovered and communicated with the school where I am now enrolled, it was fledgling, pending accreditation. I could not afford to pay the tuition and take time away from work to pursue 4 years of learning. I was then the sole nurse worker bee whose royal jelly would manifest in the future of my hive. I took many blows during the intervening years.

In 2014, just as both children finished doctorates and started down their paths I had a memorable dinner conversation with my Father. For some insane reason I volunteered that I still harbored interest in acupuncture school. My admirable Dad assumed a pained expression, shook his head, and laughed at the thought - saying something off handed about what a regrettable idea and waste of time I had just unfurled. At that moment, hurt as only a child can be by her parents, I failed to summon the family adage that: ‘if you’re at a crossroads and need to know the best course, ask [my father] and do the opposite’. I can only remember feeling embarrassed.

A couple of months before SARS-CoV-2 I felt chained, and tortured by the job and stayed for the people I’d hired in better days. On a Friday without contemplation I looked up my acupuncture school, filled an application, and requested letters of recommendation and transcripts. The pandemic hit, more sad hopelessness, loss, and insult at work, and stress began to penetrate in scary ways. I was accepted by the school and planned to attend part-time so I could keep the paychecks coming and do what I could for the people. At the time of my crash I put the laptop in a cupboard, triggered my succession plan and FMLA, and started to feel better. Now half a year later there is war in Ukraine, I have 4 grandsons, and am much poorer in retirement savings as I step into month 3 of semester 2 in year 1 of my 4 year Masters program.

If I am blessed by reasonably long life I will survive to practice Classical Chinese Medicine and Acupuncture. Every single person I encounter needs my help.